Parents advise

Lost Children's Day


When you lose a child, you lose part of yourself. It doesn't matter if THIS day falls on the eighth or twenty-eighth week of pregnancy. It is equally difficult, and the scenario of black events is played repeatedly in the future like an old and not very pleasant to the ear. On various occasions. When you plan another child, when you pass by the playground, school, watch TV, shop, rest, go on vacation. Therefore, despite the fact that the official Day of the Lost Child falls on October 15, for thousands of people around the world his shadow falls on each morning, and the question: "how would she / he look now" always haunts.

October 15 is Children's Day Lost since 2004. It allows to draw attention to the problems of families who buried children who died during pregnancy, childbirth and in early childhood. In the United States, Lost Children's Day has been celebrated since 1988. On that day, Americans put on pink and blue ribbons, burn candles in churches, cemeteries, and show solidarity with other people who survived the most painful loss in their lives.

We will have a baby…

The world of medicine: blastuli, tubules, cells, organs it the reality of Polish doctors. In medicine studies, he doesn't learn how to talk to a woman who loses a child. There are few psychology classes, and this subject is treated loosely enough so that students burdened with many duties do not bother with it. What matters is the teaching of interviewing, treatments, and basic procedures. There is little or no talk about how to talk to the patient with the eyes of a human being and not a medical case.

However, the problem is complex and it is difficult to look at it only from the patient's perspective. In a sense, doctors' translations seem logical. A specialist who has to face large and small human tragedies every day, has no choice, all he has to do is create a strong and tight shell that will protect him as a human. Therefore, it is easier to say: "the fetus / embryo has died" than "you lost your child." It is easier to say that "you will have other children" and ask "what to do with the remains / debris" than to show empathy. Of course, you can leave the role of examining the doctor's cases and notice a broken man. However, only few can afford it. Not only because of the lack of training, but also because of the very individual mental construction.

Bad scenario

When two lines are seen on a pregnancy test, the wrong scenario is rarely taken into account. Usually there is joy, followed by planning. Young people think about what just happened to them, that they will be parents, that a child will be born. In their heads there are no cells and the rapid development of the embryo, which may, due to many factors, end unfavorably. Unfortunately. Often, what we do not expect and what we do not think about, happens and touches us like thunder from the clear sky. Miscarriage or the delivery of a dead child is the everyday reality of Polish delivery wards. Doctors estimate that every second pregnancy ends in a miscarriage. Usually, however, at this stage where the woman is unaware of her existence.

Spontaneous miscarriage affects about 40,000 births each year, and the birth of a dead child about 2,000 births.

Crisis, mourning

There is a crisis after losing a child. That's how psychology calls it. It is the greater, the more affectionate the child felt, and the more severe the more unfavorable turn of events was the greater the surprise. Mourning is not only a state of mind, but also physical changes that pass by in the form of several stages and individually experienced emotions.

A woman who loses a child often blames herself. He loses his confidence and becomes shy. He analyzes his behavior many times. Deepening sadness sometimes leads to difficult to treat depression.

When pregnancy ends too soon, some seek help, others hideouts. Some cry, lament and experience loss with their entire body, others die, remain motionless with their body lifeless and their eyes expressionless. The time of mourning is not only difficult for parents, but also for the environment, which often does not know how to help.

How to help

When a woman loses a child and this tragedy also touches her partner, you don't need many words. It becomes important presence. Instead of saying that "there will be more children", it is worth coming, hugging and saying that we are. A woman who loses a child is crying for that particular child. This child who has passed away will no longer grow, run, learn to speak ... Maybe they will be different, but not the one who died.

Readiness to help should not consist in forcing to talk, leave the house, meet friends. Only on presence and support to the extent that we can help, for example in the organization of a funeral.

If it is not possible saying goodbye to the baby, it's important to be able to do it symbolically. It is worth knowing that in Poland there are no legal contraindications before the child's body is released and buried. This can be demanded at EVERY stage of pregnancy development. In addition, the family is entitled to a death grant and several days off work.

In addition to the problem it is necessary to pay attention to the whole society. Demand the dignity of parents losing their children and not deny their right to experience mourning. It is still unacceptable to practice putting mothers after "lost births" in the room where mothers with newborns are. There is a lot to be done in this area!