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Assertive on Christmas, or how to experience Christmas in harmony with each other


Christmas is beautiful. But sometimes difficult ...

It is a time when the needs of the closest family members strongly intertwine. There are excluded needs, expectations that cannot be met.

They are right behind them meaningful glances, many telling comments, expectationsthat must be met by not to spoil someone's holidays and not to offend the other person. In such a situation, it's easy to forget about yourself, fulfilling the requests of others, feeling more and more irritated and omitted in the celebration plan. Let's not let this "our being" be reduced to playing a role that someone else wrote for us this Christmas.

Let's take care of ourselves and our loved ones - children!

Ah, this Christmas ... that is, everyone knows what they should be

On holidays we often meet with different expectations.

Such an example: despite establishing a certain course of events: who, when and in what order we will go or with whom we meet, there are no comments that are repeated several times tone of grievance: "Why are you leaving now? Stay still! You don't have to go yet. "" Now we'll be alone. We will be sad. Can't you stay yet? "" Maybe this is our last Christmas, and you only for a moment ... "," why have you stayed with your in-laws for longer? "," Christmas Eve is at 16.00, I will not change anything. Be punctual ”- when you want to reconcile a gala dinner in two houses and work out a compromise.

Often, such words, in addition to what they mean, try to make us feel guilty they are some kind of blackmail or hidden aggression. The other person who expresses his wishes and wishes does so in such a way that hurts us and overlooks our feelings. On the road to achieving his own goal, he tramples over what is important to us, while not trying to understand our arguments. The situation is the more difficult the more misunderstandings exist between two people.

The situation is even worse when starting a family we want our holidays to look different than we used to spend them at home. For example, many young couples go to Christmas in the mountains or the sea, plan Christmas Eve at home, and holidays with their family or vice versa. Often, communicating about this to your loved ones ends in a real battle, in which there are arguments from various levels and even insults or crying.

What should you do in this situation? Unfortunately, there is no simple solution ...

Give up, give up, or maybe stick to what we agreed earlier? To answer these questions, it's worth realizing that ...

The importance of borders

Healthy functioning requires awareness of the boundaries that exist between the individual and the environment. In the form of a pictorial metaphor, it often looks like this: each of us has a garden and a fence around us. Some will have a high, tight wall, others will have a level fence, others will be stuck unevenly and partially broken sticks. The fence created in this way is a symbolic boundary that we set for others. What do they look like at your place?

Creating your own territory is very important. Not only in the animal world, which sometimes struggles that nobody disturbs their land, but also among people. With the fact that in the case of people, a violation of territory is of particular psychological significance, it is associated with clearly felt mental discomfort.

We often feel difficulty in setting your own boundaries. This is because at the same time we feel internal pressure to meet the expectations of the environment (such coercion in psychology is defined as the state "adapted child "). Sometimes, as a result of a certain style, the boundaries between the individual and the environment disappear. Appears confluence problem - how was it wisely defined. This, in turn, results from the requirements parents in relation to children so that they are similar to them. In this situation, the child loses his separateness and blends with his parents, becoming like them, so as not to lose their acceptance. He stops recognizing his needs. This problem, which is surprising, may not pass and last for the best between adults.

You have the right to refuse

You may ask yourself: are all your expectations met? Do other people always do what you expect? That's right ... Similarly, you have the right to set your limits and take care of your sense of happiness.

That is why psychologists emphasize that not burden oneself with the problems of others. Sounds brutal? Maybe so, but if we want to spend Christmas so that we are happy, we have the right to do so. We cannot take responsibility for the emotions of others and how we respond. They are independent of us. We don't really influence them.

In addition, even if we stand on our heads there is always a person we will not satisfy.

In addition, it's worth knowing that:

  • insulting is a form of manipulation, results from the ways of behavior that have been established for years. In other words: due to the fact that the previously defined behavior was beneficial, the person reacts in a well-established manner.
  • if anyone threatens that as a result of our decision his condition will deteriorate, then apply emotional blackmail, wanting to make us fear that we will be guilty.
  • if the other person wants to arouse pity in us, this is another form of pressure intended to evoke compassion and guilt in the event of refusal.
  • It's worth to start caring from yourself. If we are happy, calm, the environment is benefiting, especially children.
  • Let the other person deal with your own emotions on your own. Let us not put ourselves above others, claiming that we know what to do. Assertiveness is also about enabling others to deal with problems and help wisely when they explicitly expect it.

Specific solutions

  • Do you want to spend Christmas Eve only with your child? Tell about it and ask for your understanding. Ensure that you devote time to your family on the first or second day of Christmas.
  • Mum or grandmother persuade for another addition? Don't be afraid to refuse. If you don't feel like it, don't go. You can say that the dish is certainly delicious, but if you eat something else, the next day the stomach will give you a cheer. You can also suggest that a portion of the dish be packaged for you at home.
  • Is your child tired of changing hands? Try to go to the next room and calm down. In this way, you may be able to survive longer at a family meeting, especially with a small child.
  • Grandparents feed their toddler another portion of cake, despite your protests? Tell them not to do it. If it doesn't work, make sure you have to leave. It should work. If this does not work, then you will have nothing but to leave the place. Without unnecessary emotions, in peace, saying goodbye with a smile. You will be sure that next time your request will be taken more seriously.

Happy, peaceful and really happy Christmas!

When writing the article, I used the information gathered in the book "Assertiveness every day, or how to live in harmony with myself and others" by Agnieszka Wróbel.